My blogging break has lasted more than a year. I’m not sure it’s completely over yet, but tonight an urge stirred, an urge to reconnect with my readers, the blog world, and ultimately to an aspect of myself that wants to reemerge.
This blog began as a method to chronicle my Riyadh memories, to keep them alive, share them, and draw inspiration from others who’ve built a few Riyadh memories of their own.
I also needed to explore the series of recurrent dreams I’d had for years– dreams in which I was supposed to return to Riyadh, or tried to return, or needed to return. The dreams always ended in frustration. I’d miss the airplane, or board a wrong one, or forget my passport, or… you get the idea.
During my blogging break, my dreams changed character. They no longer ended in the frustration of my failure to return to Riyadh. In this new series of dreams, I actually did return to Riyadh, but upon arriving, was never able to find my place. No one met me at the airport or took me to where I was supposed to go. I’d wander around, but I’d get lost because the city had continued to grow and develop during my absence, so I did not recognize the landmarks I’d used previously.
Occasionally, I’d find the neighborhood in which I was supposed to live, or the job I was supposed to perform at the hospital, but various factors prevented me from achieving the seamless reintegration I’d expected. Once in awhile, a man (faceless, without distinct identity) would enter the dream and point me in the correct direction, but I was never able to understand him or follow his instructions.
Then, I’d remember that I’d left my daughters behind in the United States, and I wondered why I’d returned to Riyadh without them. I’d feel sad in reverse, so to speak, sad that I’d returned to Riyadh without the pulse of my life which now resides in the States.
I didn’t need psychoanalysis to tell me the meaning of all these recurrent Riyadh dreams. My dream Riyadh symbolized the psychological and spiritual state of mind that prevailed when I lived in the actual Riyadh. For me, Riyadh afforded an atmosphere of exploration, discovery, enlargement, development and transformation, an atmosphere I’ve craved all my life.
The actual Riyadh, with all its restrictions and prohibitions, gave me more freedom than I’ve ever had here in the States. That theme needs further elaboration, perhaps here in my blog.
In May of 1986, during an orientation session for new expats to Saudi Arabia, a psychologist explained Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
He said, “People become expatriates for two reasons. They are either running away from something or running to something.”
Even then, I knew I was running in both directions.